We have all done this “If I had only done that, this wouldn’t have happened”. Well in the case of losing a loved one we tend to go to the extreme. This is the “What If” but a step higher when your trying to justify your feelings.
Most people play or start playing this game when they find out a loved one is very sick. They run down a series of question and statements, that include these three words, with the intention to justify “how they” could have prevented the illness. The game is a little different for each person and the words are also a little different, but it works the same way. As individuals we are attempting to find a way to ease the pain or guilt, for some it is a way to answer the question “Why”.
Why Do We Play The Game
For me, when my Father died, it was the search for “Why” and to relieve a sense of guilt. I had been the one at the hospital alone making the decisions over life and death surgeries. I went down every form of these questions and a few more trying to find an answer to “Why” it happened and “How” I could let it happen; I should have seen the signs, he would have lived if I had done more. I was so riddled with guilt from this game of questions it made it hard to function. I eventually blocked out the event. I decided it was just a bad dream, I would wake up in the morning and it would all be over.
The Risks Of Playing The Game
This game can be absolutely paralyzing if you don’t get it under control, that was what I did with time.
First I had to come to the realization that there was nothing really that I could have done. Yes, maybe there were things I should have noticed but would my dad have listed to me when I told him something was wrong? Probably not. As human beings we like to think and feel that we are in control of our life and world, but the truth is we are more like passengers along for the ride.
The second thing to remember is that at any given time we make the best decisions at that time. When we try to look back and analyze any decision it is not a true picture of what was happening. The phrase “hind sight is 20/20” is not true because there are so many factors that you can’t consider when you try to look back. You have no idea what was going on emotionally, environmentally or physically; even though the person was very ill, they may have had no real signs to notice. My fathers only sign that he was going to pass away was that he was tired.
The third one is that no matter how many times we relive the event it is not going to change the outcome, we just must let go and accept what has happened. I know from personal experience this is not easy it took the writing of my first book for me to accomplish this. When I let go and stopped reliving the event I was able to start moving forward, to make goals, to have dreams and be happy again.
Remember your loved ones want you to continue living your life and being happy don’t punish your self for wanting these things also.
